Converting Hard Questions into Gold

S

(1 Kings 10:2-3) . . . And when she came to Solomon, she told him all that was on her mind, and Solomon answered all her questions . . .

O

The Queen of Sheba came to Solomon to test him with hard questions. She came, burdened, too, with valuable gifts for him--much gold--and left, utterly impressed with the happiness of the people who were blessed to live with him. Life was excellent for Solomon because (at least at this point in his life) he understood the simile that his construction of his personal relationships was like constructing and outfitting a house: "By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches" (Proverbs 24:3,4). The main tools for this regal relationship construction was primarily attentive listening and caring, all for the purpose of gaining a better understanding.

A (Personal)

Centuries later, Jesus' disciple, Peter, elaborated on this truth and applied it to marital relationships: husbands are to "live with their wives in an understanding way" (1 Peter 3:7). To do this like Solomon at his best, it requires (1) being graciously receptive to hard test questions. If that is done generously, it leads to (2) even more listening so the wife feels safe enough to tell "all that is on her mind." Finally, the proof of successfully living with understanding is in (3) satisfactorily answering all her questions (not in answering them in ways that answer, instead, questions that I have reshaped to fit the answers I want to provide).

A (Psychological)

Ken Nair (1995) addressed this very concept when he wrote The Key to Becoming a Strong and Irresistible Husband is ... Discovering the Mind of a Woman. In this book, he postulates that in most cultures, men typically maintain four primary prejudices against women: (1) Women are impossible to understand, (2) Women are the real problem, (3) Women are inferior to men, and (4) Men are supposed to be "the boss." These, as Nair points out, are fundamentally unbiblical positions. It's no wonder, then, that these prejudicial cognitive distortions are socially and psychologically destructive.

P

Lord, teach me, please, how to live with Sue with understanding, so I can understand her way of thinking as it develops, so I can understand her emotions and desires as they shift and adjust to reflect her circumstances. Please help me complete my own identity and calling while also giving myself sacrificially to her. I want to love her as she wants to be loved. I want to understand and care for her . . . to "nourish and cherish her as You do for all of us in Your church" (Ephesians 5:29).

Power to Be in God's Image

Scripture

(2 Samuel 15:32) While David was coming up to the summit [of the Mount of Olives], where God was worshiped, behold Hushai the Archite came to meet him with his coat torn and dirt on his head.

Observation

David--the rejected king, weeping and barefoot on this holy ground--prefigured Jesus' rejection and sorrow. Little could David have imagined that centuries later, David's Savior Himself would also spend the night weeping there at Gethsemane, fully understanding what David had experienced. But unlike Jesus, David benefited from the company of people who remained faithful to him. Hushai was one of those heroic ones. He rejected the shame of being identified with a rejected king. He prefigured us, who courageously refuse to become enamoured by the world's temporary promises and pleasures, choosing instead (even if mistreated) to be identified with God's people and purposes (Hebrews 11:23-27).

Application (Psychological)

Whether it's a nation, a royal family, or a marriage, the health of that system can be measured by its ability to maintain cohesion (a healthy spectrum of emotional bonding and autonomy) and adaptability (a healthy spectrum of stability and flexibility). Those two axes form the Circumplex Model, and, according to Beckvar and Beckvar (Family Therapy: A Systemic Integration, 2003, pp. 283-285), they are components of the Global Assessment of Relational Functioning (GARF), a familiar assessment tool in Appendix B of the DSM-IV-TR (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th edition,Text Revisions).

Ignoring the temptation to diagnose Israel and David's family, I'll note that Hushai had enough ego strength to resist the psychological and sociological forces that swept most the nation behind Absalom's leadership. Hushai "celebrated" his healthy sense of autonomy, his freedom to make his own decisions about his life and to be responsible for his decisions. From today's view, his independence looks like a psycho-social personal achievement, but at the time it probably seemed a fool's errand. It's great when history reveals the happy conclusion of such choices.

Application (Personal)

I, too, want to value autonomy. Civic pride, as good as it is, must be tempered by being responsible for my own choices, even if they're contrary to community choices. If I value autonomy for me, I should also encourage others to make their own self-responsible choices even while negotiating through relational differences respectfully. As much as I'd like to force people to conform to my opinions of what I think is best for them (for me, or for all of us), I can't . . . at least, I can't do that if I'm going to function like my Savior. Jesus chose tears and rejection rather than forcing people to act wisely but against their wills (I know that only too well). Because Jesus respects my freedom even more than I do, I realize how much greater love is than I'd previously imagined--Love is letting people define themselves while being careful not to lose my own goodness and identity. I want to be like Hushai as He followed Jesus.

Prayer

Lord, thank You for the freedom You've given me. You trust me with time, with money, with influence. You trust me with decisions that have real consequences. It does no good to call You crazy or to deny that I get choices. You expect me to make my own decisions. You expect me to define my own values and to live with the consequences. It takes true courage to live well. Please teach me to be responsible with my freedom, with my life . . . with my inescapable impact on others.

Prime Love--It Can't Be Divided

Scripture

(Romans 8:38,39) For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Observation

Several facts are certain for souls that look to Christ Jesus for lordship. First, no transition (or rut) anywhere within the range between life and death can divide that soul away from God's love. Second, no conniving by good angels (a statement ludicrous enough to qualify as sarcasm) nor any action by any ruler--good or bad--can create any cooling distance between God's love and that soul. Third, no physical change in the structure of the universe--no movement of time (current or conceivable) nor space nor energy--can divert away, drain away, dissipate, or diminish the direct provision of God's attentive love to that soul. Finally, each of these people receives a full portion--whether it's manna, bread loaves and fish, still waters and green pastures, or the wedding feast of God's Son--no one gets less than a satisfying portion of God's love. His love surpasses all constructs of knowledge and creation (Ephesians 3:14-21).

Application (Personal)

As I've yielded myself to the Lordship of Christ Jesus, His love for me is "unobstructable." So, with no person or power able to diminish, distract, or dissuade it, I'm left alone in my responsibility before God. Blaming anything or anyone doesn't work. I alone decide whether to enjoy His love or dismiss it. 1 John has been particularly helpful as I try to better understand what it means to live in the brightness of His unshadowed love: "Anyone who does not love does not know God because God is love" (1 John 4:8).

Application (Psychological)

How do I learn to appreciate and become more aware of God's love? Daniel Siegel (I have no idea what his spiritual relationship with Christ is) defines mindfulness being "mindfully aware, attending to the richness of our here-and-now experiences, [it] creates scientifically recognized enhancements in our physiology, our mental functions, and our interpersonal relationships. Being fully present in our awareness opens our lives to new possibilities of well-being" (The Mindful Brain, 2007, p. xiii).

Siegel suggests eight senses (not five) that are categories of awareness (pp. 122-123). The first five include our well-known senses.They bring us information about the outside, physical world through our sight, hearing, smell, touch, and taste. The sixth sense includes sensations of our internal milieu, including our bodies' spatial and internal states, such as movement in our organs, nerves, and muscles. Rothschild (The Body Remembers, 2000, p. 18) calls this sense proprioception. The seventh sense pertains to our minds--our thoughts, feelings, intentions, attitudes, concepts, images, beliefs, hopes, and dreams. Finally, the eighth sense pertains to our relationships--our ability to "feel felt" by another and to feel a part of a larger, relational whole. By the way, Rothchild catalogues our vestibular sense (awareness of up) as a separate category. She lists the five common senses, plus proprioception and and vestibular perception as sixth and seventh, respectively.

Thousands of years ago, David had insight into the value of this mindfulness, but he added a crucial element that is missing from most of today's discussions of mindfulness: prayer, praise, and listening to the Holy Spirit. He wrote: "On the glorious splendor of Your majesty, and on all your wondrous works, I will meditate. . . . All Your works shall give thanks to You, O Lord. . . . The Lord is faithful in all His words . . . The Lord is righteous in all His ways and kind in all His works. The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth. . . . You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing" (Psalm 145). Now that's holistic mindfulness.

Prayer

Lord, when I wander through my day unaware and inattentive to You, I find myself praying to myself in much the same way that the Pharisee You described prayed to himself instead of You (Luke 18:9-14). When I do that, I find that my view of myself is falsely inflated in proportion to my devaluing of You and others. May I rise today to the stature of that humble man You described. He was intimidated by the greatness of Your lovingkindness, and wisely moved himself closer to You as best as he could. Help!

Hope for the New Year

S

(Romans 8:37) No, in all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

O

Paul listed two categories of "these things." First (8:31), there were positive experiences, essentially the completion of God's will and glory being established in our lives through the power of the Holy Spirit (verses 1-30). Second, and the more the immediate context, were dreadfully negative experiences (8:31-37). This second "these things" list a hasty and incomplete. Its force is rendered impotent to harm because of Christ's (not our) constant love for us: "through Him who loved us."

Afflictions can darken our outlook and shrivel our hope, but affliction's ability to conquer us lasts only as long as we allow them to distance us from Christ's love. The power to be "more than conquerors" over calamity lies in us converting these "things" into allies, afflictions that are thwarted when they become goads that move us into deeper appreciation of Christ's love.

A (Personal)

Here, at the launch of a new year, when we're also launching a new decade, century, and millennium, hope is easy to lose sight of. Afflictions are powerful and abundant. They are ambitious in their efforts to distance my thoughts from reveling in Christ's love. The same is true of the positive "these things" Paul referred to. So what does the new year (or new decade) hold for me? One thing I'm sure of is that it'll provide me with plenty of opportunities to conquer all things through Christ who loved me.

A (Psychological)

Mary Ainsworth, with Bowlby, studied mother-infant interactions--specifically attachment interactions--over the first year of life. This break-through study became known as "Infant Strange Situation," and with the later contributions of Mary Main and Judith Solomon, they successfully identified four distinct attachment patterns: (1) secure, (2) avoidant, (3) resistant or ambivalent, and (4) disorganized. This study consisted of observation parent-child interactions prior to the parent leaving temporarily (twice) and having a stranger enter the room.

The healthy pattern is called the secure attachment. It profoundly affects the child's outlook on life and difficulties, and it occurs when parents are emotionally available, perceptive, and responsive to their infants' needs and mental states. Daniel Siegel (Developing Mind, pp. 73-76) describes these children (during the actual study) as (1) being able to explore the room and toys with interest in preseparation episodes; (2) showing signs of missing parent during separation, often crying by the second separation; (3) obviously preferring parent over the stranger; (4) greeting parent actively, usually initiating physical contact ... then settling and returning to play.

Despite this being a scientific trial, in contrast to our relationship with Christ, this research suggests some correlations for us: (1) God provides healthy, interactive attention to our lives; (2) "children" who are confident in Christ's love and attention are free to explore life confidently (securely) and to recover from inevitable "strange" and unpleasant situations that occur in life.

P

Paraphrasing (praying) what Paul wrote to another group of Christians (2 Corinthians 4:16-18): Lord, I thank You that I don't have to lose heart. Though my outer nature is wasting away, my inner nature is being renewed day by day. I believe You that this slight momentary affliction is preparing me for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison as I look to You. Thankfully, these things of the world that I see around me--the afflictions and even the positive things--are all transient. Your love, however, is eternal and stable. Thank You for convincing me that You are, indeed, the God of Endurance and Encouragement (Romans 15:5). So, let's explore. Let's see what this new year has to offer. I trust You.